blogging with a goal

so. my life has changed a little bit, recently. as a quick recap, the girl who swore that she would always stay single found the guy she plans on marrying, in her best friend. (see profile pic... =D [gavin is the most adorable, amazing, loving guy ever.]) she has moved to virginia beach, works for a lt. gov candidate's campaign, is figuring out life, shopping for a car, and healing/figuring out what she really believes.

that being said, i believe that no greater joy has a lot of toxicity in their publications, especially one called "created to be his helpmeet". basically, it's supposed to kind of be the miracle cure book for marriages, but it' actually rather scary. it breaks my heart and hurts me to see others hurt by it.

i'm planning on blogging on it in the coming days/weeks/months. i will say stuff as i think it and i refuse to apologize for "offending" you. as with all books, there's some good, but some bad. i'll point out what i see from both sides.

accidents, moving and cats

it's been a normal week. i had a black ice accident on monday and totaled my new jetta. that put an end to my workweek, as i had no transportation. 

i. totaled. my. car.

i am not happy. i haz no car, a $4,500 loan and no money to start all over again.

oh well. God will provide. i've never run out of money this far. 

that being said, i also moved almost 400 miles down the east coast...to Virginia Beach. aaahhhh! it was time to move on from hershey pa, and all the doors opened up to move to Va Beach.

life is new. scary. exciting. there's been some major changes in my life, and i can say that i'm happy, excited for the future, and hopefully starting a new, good journey down life's road.

oh yes!! i got a cat too!! she's currently hiding under my bed, terrified of another cat. but she will be ok.

school. life.

so. about school.

they say it's important and that you must graduate to move forward in life. I totally understand that and my goal one day is to graduate.

however, at this point in life, finishing high school is unrealistic. I'm working 2-3 jobs (kennel, hotel and editing), resulting in a schedule that has me leaving at 0630 hrs every morning and many nights not getting back until midnight or later, to wake up and leave at 0630 hours the next day. this has brought me to a point of "chronic exhaustion" in which my brain can not absorb the materials that i need to be able to, in order to finish school.  add that to my lifelong struggle with learning and it honestly looks like it's impossible to graduate right now.

i never wanted life to be this exhausting, stressful or crazy, but none of my jobs give me enough money to pay the bills and get ahead at all, so i have to work all of them. when i try to do school, i can't and it frustrates the heck out of me, on top of adding to an overwhelming cloud of guilt because i'm not doing school. anybody with some knowledge of health can tell you that constant stress is terrible for you, as is constant guilt, and when you add those together, it's a REALLY bad combination. my body/health can testify to that and that has to change.

so. my life {goal, plan, hope, ideal} outlined right now:

*i'm putting a hold on school, indefinitely. i need to graduate someday, that just isn't in the near, foreseeable future.
*i'm going to focus on working, and nothing else
*I am trying to move to Va Beach. I love the place, people, and i'm ready for a change in pace. 
*get myself with a job and a life that will let me recover and get the support i need to finish school
*graduate
*join the Marines



we shall see. but i'd appreciate prayers as i continue on with life, and if you know anyone who'd hire me or has as good, cheap place for rent in the va beach area, let me know. i'm really lonely where i am in life, both in my situation, area, and the season of life. nothing major (minus finances, no biggie...) is holding me back from moving. i just need the opportunities.



also note--Allison Ann Young was born at 0910 hrs today, weighing 9lb, 1oz. kid number 8 in the Young family. i may meet her some day.

Questions

I get so tired. So tired that some days, I wake up and forget to get out of bed. So tired that I can't get any schoolwork done because my brain refuses to register what I've read. It's all in the name of trying to pay the bills and get to a place where I'm not drowning financially.

It just won't stop. It's as if life is a cycle: work to pay for food and housing so you can work... You work to live and live to work. That's all there is. What's the point? Kids finish school so they can be adults, become adults and live to avoid death for as long as possible.

I asked God to provide. I asked God for wisdom and guidance and provision and it seems like all he does is laugh in my face and make stuff more difficult. Why? Why can't it be apparent that he's on my side? If he really cares, why doesn't he show that? Why doesn't he show up? What happened to the "ask and it will be given to you.." Or the "seek and you will find"? I've been doing both to no avail. How long does it take? If what people say and God cares about everything, down to the little things, why doesn't he show that?

Frustrated

I'm frustrated. With life, with people, with me. I've had a week to write a 400-600 word paper (which shouldn't be bad) and I'm still stuck on it. This isn't for lack of trying.

It's hard not really have much purpose or direction in life. It's hard feeling stuck and helpless and unable to help other people. It's hard missing family and friends and having nothing to do. It's just hard. I regret moving, every day. Some things are different, some things are the same. You can't substitute some things. Cats don't take the place of little sisters, no matter how much they curl up in your lap and cuddle. You can't make up for the noise of a family with music. Cooking for one is so much different than cooking for 9. It's quite depressing, actually. I'd rather want a few minutes of quiet than always be lonely. I'd rather feel like I had some stability and plans in my life than just wander through the time with no direction...I'd rather have the friendships that I had a year ago.


"they say you never know what you got til it's gone.."