I got married!!

Sooooo a year ago, I was dealing with a guy who was being a stalker and hitting on me. I freaked out and ended that friendship. 

51 weeks later, I married my best friend of 2 years. 

We aren't crazy, I promise.

Who saw that one coming?! Apparently, some people did. Just me not. Or Gavin. "We're just friends! Best friends, but definitely not marrying each other." We talked about everything from life, to our dream weddings and people that were a possibility of a future spouse. We were there for each other through some of the toughest times of our lives...and we're both excited to see who God would bring  as a spouse for the other person...but it wasn't going to be each other!!

We talked on the phone and tried to Skype every day. Those were the best moments of my day. 

^^^^he's hilarious. 

Then we met in person in November and something clicked. We started to realize that maybe this friendship was more than just a friendship...and we realized how absolutely perfect for each other we are. I drove down to VA Beach every other weekend for a month and a half, then moved down here.

 As we were able to spend more time with each other, we wondered why it has taken so long for us to realize how much we were meant for each other. 

We've been talking about getting married for a while and decided why not do it? So we got married on July 2, 2013!! 

We are planning on having a celebration next summer, if we have the money for it. 

So. That's the news in my life. Gavin's the best thing that ever happened to me. I love him. He's incredible. I'm so excited to spend the rest of my life with my best friend. 

And Miss Kitty loves him too. 

(And for those of you who have asked, we have gift registries. Just ask me for the details--the name is not my legal name.)

*happiness*

blogging with a goal

so. my life has changed a little bit, recently. as a quick recap, the girl who swore that she would always stay single found the guy she plans on marrying, in her best friend. (see profile pic... =D [gavin is the most adorable, amazing, loving guy ever.]) she has moved to virginia beach, works for a lt. gov candidate's campaign, is figuring out life, shopping for a car, and healing/figuring out what she really believes.

that being said, i believe that no greater joy has a lot of toxicity in their publications, especially one called "created to be his helpmeet". basically, it's supposed to kind of be the miracle cure book for marriages, but it' actually rather scary. it breaks my heart and hurts me to see others hurt by it.

i'm planning on blogging on it in the coming days/weeks/months. i will say stuff as i think it and i refuse to apologize for "offending" you. as with all books, there's some good, but some bad. i'll point out what i see from both sides.

accidents, moving and cats

it's been a normal week. i had a black ice accident on monday and totaled my new jetta. that put an end to my workweek, as i had no transportation. 

i. totaled. my. car.

i am not happy. i haz no car, a $4,500 loan and no money to start all over again.

oh well. God will provide. i've never run out of money this far. 

that being said, i also moved almost 400 miles down the east coast...to Virginia Beach. aaahhhh! it was time to move on from hershey pa, and all the doors opened up to move to Va Beach.

life is new. scary. exciting. there's been some major changes in my life, and i can say that i'm happy, excited for the future, and hopefully starting a new, good journey down life's road.

oh yes!! i got a cat too!! she's currently hiding under my bed, terrified of another cat. but she will be ok.

school. life.

so. about school.

they say it's important and that you must graduate to move forward in life. I totally understand that and my goal one day is to graduate.

however, at this point in life, finishing high school is unrealistic. I'm working 2-3 jobs (kennel, hotel and editing), resulting in a schedule that has me leaving at 0630 hrs every morning and many nights not getting back until midnight or later, to wake up and leave at 0630 hours the next day. this has brought me to a point of "chronic exhaustion" in which my brain can not absorb the materials that i need to be able to, in order to finish school.  add that to my lifelong struggle with learning and it honestly looks like it's impossible to graduate right now.

i never wanted life to be this exhausting, stressful or crazy, but none of my jobs give me enough money to pay the bills and get ahead at all, so i have to work all of them. when i try to do school, i can't and it frustrates the heck out of me, on top of adding to an overwhelming cloud of guilt because i'm not doing school. anybody with some knowledge of health can tell you that constant stress is terrible for you, as is constant guilt, and when you add those together, it's a REALLY bad combination. my body/health can testify to that and that has to change.

so. my life {goal, plan, hope, ideal} outlined right now:

*i'm putting a hold on school, indefinitely. i need to graduate someday, that just isn't in the near, foreseeable future.
*i'm going to focus on working, and nothing else
*I am trying to move to Va Beach. I love the place, people, and i'm ready for a change in pace. 
*get myself with a job and a life that will let me recover and get the support i need to finish school
*graduate
*join the Marines



we shall see. but i'd appreciate prayers as i continue on with life, and if you know anyone who'd hire me or has as good, cheap place for rent in the va beach area, let me know. i'm really lonely where i am in life, both in my situation, area, and the season of life. nothing major (minus finances, no biggie...) is holding me back from moving. i just need the opportunities.



also note--Allison Ann Young was born at 0910 hrs today, weighing 9lb, 1oz. kid number 8 in the Young family. i may meet her some day.

Questions

I get so tired. So tired that some days, I wake up and forget to get out of bed. So tired that I can't get any schoolwork done because my brain refuses to register what I've read. It's all in the name of trying to pay the bills and get to a place where I'm not drowning financially.

It just won't stop. It's as if life is a cycle: work to pay for food and housing so you can work... You work to live and live to work. That's all there is. What's the point? Kids finish school so they can be adults, become adults and live to avoid death for as long as possible.

I asked God to provide. I asked God for wisdom and guidance and provision and it seems like all he does is laugh in my face and make stuff more difficult. Why? Why can't it be apparent that he's on my side? If he really cares, why doesn't he show that? Why doesn't he show up? What happened to the "ask and it will be given to you.." Or the "seek and you will find"? I've been doing both to no avail. How long does it take? If what people say and God cares about everything, down to the little things, why doesn't he show that?

Trusting God?

this whole trusting God thing is getting really discouraging. I mean, I chose to move, thinking that it was what he wanted. Since then, he's seemed every further away. God never really seemed that close to me and I had hoped that moving would help change that. Now that I've moved, I'm really starting to question both God and moving.

It sure seems like God gives me the opposite of what I ask for. Matthew 7:8-11 says "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and the one who seeks finds, and to the one who knocks it will be opened. Or which one of you, if his son asks him for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a serpent? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask him!" It's talking about a father giving his son the opposite of what was asked for. It sure feels like God is doing that to me though. It sucks.

I hear and am prayed for that I will trust God...but if he's worth trusting, why doesn't he show that to me? Why doesn't he show me that he's the father who blesses with good gifts? Why doesn't he make himself real to me and show me who he really is?


I don't know. I wish I did.

VVS 2012

Soooo vvs is officially over. Like usual, it went by insanely fast.

Highlights included:

-jumping in the pool with our normal clothes on.
-comparing Norwegian and American politics in the hot tub.
-getting asked out (that included going swimming, but this time without my clothes on...) by a slightly drunk but mostly hungover guy.
-meeting Rand Paul and having a mind blank moment that resulted in no pic or autograph with him.
-running into Sam Roher and finally getting a picture with him.
-skipping the gala to pack up and move the conference out, have a pallet fall off as it was going on the truck, running up and down stairs and service elevators, riding metro, getting shown what happened at the FRC shooting, and going to BGR: the burger joint.
-A bajillion inside jokes about spoons and a failed attempt at a practical joke that involved spoons and got hotel security called on us.
-a bajillion inside jokes about everything.
-claiming our own student staff room to play cards and laugh.
-making friends with the security guards.
-having several people misunderstand me saying "Belgian Malanios" (the secret service/police k-9s)
as "Belgian melon" and having quite a lot of confusion.
-"seet down deeners" and super fancy "just cookies."
-laughter, laughter and more laughter.
-metro surfing and new awesome friends.
-skinny jeans and stories that involve them.


Yeah. So my feedback may not be why everyone wants. I was honored to be student staff and had a blast.

I also walked out of Paul Ryan's speech because I'm sick of the bs that he and Romney keep spreading. The "heckler" that yelled "corporations are not people" during his speech was right on. But I digress.

This, however, made me the most mad. Other than being told that I must remove the Ron Paul pin from my backpack. Watch the two videos.

http://holybulliesandheadlessmonsters.blogspot.com/2012/09/getequal-protests-values-voters-summit.html?m=1

Basically, some lgbt people showed up and protested. Okay. Cool. They also were causing a scene and ruckus so got escorted out. Okay. Cool.


Uhm. But wait. Did you notice the attendees? How rude and disrespectful they were? Lgbt people are humans too. They're people too. I saw this happen and I just watched. I felt no need to counter-protest or push anyone around. However, I must say that the actual escortation (new word, k? k.) wasn't nearly as violent as it looks in any videos online that I can find.

anyhow. VVS was amazing and I can't wait for next year. I haven't laughed that much in such a long time and it was good. I felt like I fit in really well and was accepted. It was cool.

Moved

so i moved.
i had all these big dreams and hopes about it, about how i could finish school, have a job, have some fun and maybe have some friends.

what did i end up with?

moved. need a car extremely badly. one part time job and can't get hired anywhere else. more bills and expenses than income. pressure from a lot of people to do things that i'm not okay with and to be who i am not. basically, the opposite of everything i had hoped would happen is happening. none of my dreams are coming true and the chances of them coming true are decreasing by the day. i wanted to make good memories and really enjoy life, but it's not happening. the job that i have, i love, but it looks like i won't be able to keep it because of logistics.

this worked really well.
don't move out. lesson learned.

Frustrated

I'm frustrated. With life, with people, with me. I've had a week to write a 400-600 word paper (which shouldn't be bad) and I'm still stuck on it. This isn't for lack of trying.

It's hard not really have much purpose or direction in life. It's hard feeling stuck and helpless and unable to help other people. It's hard missing family and friends and having nothing to do. It's just hard. I regret moving, every day. Some things are different, some things are the same. You can't substitute some things. Cats don't take the place of little sisters, no matter how much they curl up in your lap and cuddle. You can't make up for the noise of a family with music. Cooking for one is so much different than cooking for 9. It's quite depressing, actually. I'd rather want a few minutes of quiet than always be lonely. I'd rather feel like I had some stability and plans in my life than just wander through the time with no direction...I'd rather have the friendships that I had a year ago.


"they say you never know what you got til it's gone.."

read it. it's long. but worth it. not wholey applicable, but nevertheless good.

Healing from the Wounds of P/QF and Spiritual Abuse

Back in May, I wrote To Heal, and was overwhelmed by the response to it. The healing process is SO vital and SO unique and personal to each wounded soul, yet is reduced to ancillary and formulaic status by so much of Christianity. With that in mind, I want to visit the subject again. I'm gonna repost the text of To Heal (minus my personal commentary - with the exception of one comment I offered in the comment thread), but I'm also gonna take the liberty of including some of the beautiful, insightful thoughts that many of you who read the original post contributed to the comment thread. Your thoughts were and are invaluable, being veterans of the battle, and being caregivers to the wounded. The original piece was written more toward those on the outside looking in, but I hope, between the original piece and the wisdom of the battle-scarred, that both those facing the initial phases of the healing process and those deeply inside of it can take some comfort and encouragement in what's said here, too.


From the original article...


Many of you already know many of the things I'm going to discuss in this piece, either having healed from wounds of your own or being in the process of healing. For those who don't know, that process, healing, is what I want to talk to you about. I can't emphasize the word "process" enough. Healing, in these instances, is the embodiment of several elements...


Breathing. Physical rest. Mental rest. Redefining. Rediscovery. Reconnection. Examination. Introspection. Sifting. Sorting. So many more that I didn't list, and others who read here are likely much more qualified to discuss and address this, but in the interim, I want to talk about a few of the more important issues.


One thing you didn't find in my list is a direct reference to religion or faith. This is the MOST important thing for those who want to help these women to consider and remember, particularly those willing to house them in their transition period: It can't be a religious thing. They don't need Christian counseling or immediate encouragement from the bible. They need to breathe. 


They may need to sleep 12 hours a day (or more) for a week or two. Let them. They're exhausted in every imaginable way. They've had their entire lives turned upside down. They've been struggling to keep their heads afloat in a tidal wave of often very ugly interaction, overwhelmingly negative emotion, and utter rejection  coming from people who should be pillars of love, acceptance, and safety in their lives. Their minds are tired. Their bodies are tired. Their broken hearts are tired. Let them rest.


Live your faith and your freedom before them, but not upon them.


Pray FOR them - only with them if they ask you to.


Little things like referring to the bible as "God's Word" can be immensely triggering and damaging to a young woman battered and bruised by "God's Word" her entire life. Your personal beliefs on the subject have to become secondary to the healing of the battered heart, mind, and life before you. Little things like religious terminology can cause irreparable breaches of trust that can defeat the forward momentum of the healing process. These women have to break the connection of the term "God" to the oppressive and abusive lifestyle they're leaving behind. The reconnection of the term to the Loving Creator it represents has to happen on their terms, in a way their heart can handle, not yours or mine. For some it happens quickly. For others it takes time. We have to let them make that reconnection themselves (even not make it at all if they so choose). They have to breathe.


These women may need to totally redefine their faith, totally redefine what it means, totally redefine who Christ is to them, totally redefine their Heavenly Father, totally redefine the things that are true, and good, and lasting. This faith, whatever its condition, may be the only thing of value left in their life which they can call their own. Total redefinition and rediscovery of what they will cling to may be necessary to protect this precious thing. Sifting, sorting, examining, reexamining. Let them - without interruption, interjection, and interference. Let them - for their own reasons. Let them.


Their faith "muscle" may be tired and expended. They may need a break from all things related to their faith for a while. Let them have that break - without condemnation or judgment.


Let them engage you on matters of faith. Don't seek to start that dialog yourself.


Many things which are foundational institutions of safety in our lives are havens of distress for these women. They may not truly understand the healthy parameters of family relationships. Things that were once the foundation of hopes and dreams may now be tarnished for them. Perhaps they've longed to become a wife and mother, but the unhealthy portrait of both that has been lived before them has blurred the field of vision of that hope and that dream. Maybe they dreamed of higher education and a particular career path, but the spiritually and emotionally abusive resistance to their dream caused such pain that they can no longer view it without feeling the pain - and the luster has faded. Barring miraculous intervention from God, there's no secret formula, no spiritual pixie dust, no magical event that will suddenly make everything better. There is no "If _____ would happen, this would all be better and be nothing but a speck in the rearview mirror." Let their heart and soul rage, hurt, and mourn this. Mourn with them. Let them rediscover these things on their own terms, in their own time. Be support when they need it, not when you think they should need it. Encourage always, but only with honesty. No false praise. Love always. Hope always. Pray for their best and trust the Holy Spirit to direct and establish their best.


These women will need to reconnect to their own emotions, maybe even make the initial connection to their emotions. Create an environment for them where this can thrive. They need to experience emotion as a beautiful part of creation and not the evil villian lurking in the shadows of their heart and mind. They need to come to realize that their heart belongs to THEM, first and foremost, not to their dad, not to any man, but to THEM, to be opened and extended to whomever THEY feel lead to open and extend it to. Unless they become destructive to themselves or others, don't intervene. Let them laugh. Let them cry. Let them be angry (and validate that anger by reaffirming that what was done to them was wrong). Let them find peace. Just encourage. Cheer. Just as you mourn with them, celebrate with them. Every little victory in what might be a mundane matter to us is very significant to them. Decisions will be totally foreign to many of them. Maybe even to most of them. Support and encourage them in decision-making, but don't force decisions that they may not be equipped to make. Instead, walk them through the process in these instances. When they make a good decision, celebrate with them. Celebrate not just the good consequence, but the decision itself, too. When they make a bad decision, don't condemn, but rather comfort, and at the same time, celebrate that they made a decision.


Allow and encourage them to question anything and everything. An entire life and world is in front of them, and most of it will be uncharted territory. If they ask a question of you which you don't know the answer to, be so bold as to tell them, "I don't know." If they ask a question or engage in conversation about matters of faith, by all means engage them in return, always careful to point to a loving, accepting, grace-based Christ, not to a demanding Christ (they've heard of that one already).


These women are bright, beautiful, fascinating, wonderful creations of God. Open your hearts to them accordingly and you'll be doing as powerful and important a work as there is to do for Christ.


To those of you going through this healing process now, some of you practically alone in doing so: You're never far from my heart and mind. Most of you have made enormous progress just in the period of time I've known you, and I'm SO proud of you guys. You are genuinely my heroes. You're all beautiful and very special to me. Keep breathing. Keep healing.




[Below are the comments contributed by readers. Please listen to what they have to say. There is MUCH wisdom and experience behind their words, both as survivors and caregivers.]




Erika said...


I could see so much of myself in your post and I'm still healing, redefining, examining, etc. even though this is 14 years down the road.




L said...


I am so glad to see the emphasis on not talking about God unless and until the girl brings it up. To some people it might seem almost mean to not talk about what they believe is the best way to help a person recovering from trauma, but no matter how kindly meant it is not always a good idea.




Sharon (on "emotion")...


It took me at least a year just to be able to connect the name of an emotion with the emotion. My emotions were like several balls of yarn that had been played with by a dozen kittens for a month. All negative emotions presented as various forms of anger. All positive ones presented as an adrenaline rush. If there wasn't physical activity available, I would start shivering. I'm still (years later) discovering more nuances of my emotions.


Sharon (on "decisions" and "fear")...


Oh my. We're talking about decisions on what to wear for the day. Or whether or not it is ok to spend a dollar for a candy bar (*cue voice in head* candy bars are not a necessity of life, you know). These decisions can cause huge amounts of anxiety. Ten times worse are decisions on buying new clothes or what jobs to apply for or whether to go ahead and be a friend with a guy. Unthinkable are decisions about a career path or what degree to try for.

Also, I totally agree with cheering for every tiny progress. Those tiny things are HUGE.

Also, avoid fear - any kind of fear. Show us how to live life without constant fear. Show us that it is ok to break through comfort zones; that we will actually survive that. Because we have already broken a lot of those in very recent history if we are seeking refuge with you. Show us the difference between watchfulness (cautiousness) and fear.




Incongruous Circumspection said...


Two things:

It may happen that the decision made is to leave Christianity and never come back. To fight against that is to not believe that the Holy Spirit, as he promised, can work in a person's life, WITHOUT human interference. I'm convinced that anyone who is willing to help must understand this, because, if they don't, any intervention to prevent the walking away will only serve to confuse and even push the individual back into the comfort of what they know best.

And yes, what they know best IS a comfort, no matter how hurtful, evil, and life-destroying it is. Its sick, but it is the dynamic of being in a guilt-ridden, cultic group.

Secondly, though to a different degree, men coming out of this movement are in need of much of the above, as well. They are taught that their place is to rule over women and many of them have no healthy relational boundaries set. To them, the world revolves around them and yet the world is what needs to be feared.

I know. Its a whole different idea and the healing process is going to be much different. I only mention it because I am one of those men. My respect for women has only grown deeper since leaving all that bullcrap behind.




P said...


You are so right about the sleep/rest thing. For me, it's been 10 years since I experienced the worst days, and 8 since I walked away from it all...and it's only in the last year or so that I feel alive again, that I can make plans and set goals for myself. I was just so exhausted on all levels from "trying" so hard - thinking I had to be perfect, fighting my emotions, dealing with the constant pressure. It's taken me a long time to heal from that.

If I could add one thing - secular counseling is a huge part of what helped me. I know in the Christian world that therapy is not encouraged, but I really think that it's a life-saver. Good therapists won't work against someone's religious faith, and they don't try to "de-convert" you. They try to help you heal, and for me, going to my weekly therapy appointment was the biggest and best thing I could do to help myself.

I understand what you mean about the platitudes, too, but at the same time - now that I'm on the other side of the darkness? I didn't know life could be so beautiful. Even though I still struggle every day (with food issues becuase our brand of fundieism had a huge amount of food restriction, with perfectionism, with feelings of worthlesness), life is 1000 times better now than it was then. The struggle sucks, but I just hope that every person who has experienced the darkness can experience the light too. 




Anne said...


Privacy...lots Of privacy.
Boundaries...sometimes in our quest to find healthy boundaries we take in way too much territory at first.
Trust...SHOW us we can trust you, don't insist on it.

Lots of space is good. My ex roommate was hell to live with as a fresh escapee. She was constantly pushing me ('for your own good') and stuff.




B said...


I get impatient with myself and think that I should read more, be less tired and be further along. I forget that it's ok to rest and give myself time to figure things out.




Rachel said...


Have grace on yourself. And be patient with yourself during the healing process.

I am many years "out" and have been extremely blessed in many ways, both personally and professionally. There have been times that my career puts me in positions which garner deep respect from others. I don't know how to say this in a way that sounds as humble as I intend; I don't put stock in status or position. But I'm still a little surprised at times when I reflect on how others within my field perceive me and I think: if only they knew that this "strong" person sometimes writhes at home in grief over something from my past....whether it is from being triggered somehow throughout the day, or recalling memories, etc.

All of this is to say ~ you will heal, and you will keep healing over time. Don't become discouraged if in ten years or more something appears out of nowhere. This is part of the process. Consider that there is a reason for the timing. This doesn't mean you've failed or regressed, but that life had to happen before you were ready for this part. It is progress. Perhaps you didn't have the strength to address it before, but now you've received the fortitude you need to face whatever it is. Be the friend you need for yourself. 




Julie said...


As Sharon said "These decisions can cause huge amounts of anxiety. Ten times worse are decisions on buying new clothes or what jobs to apply for or whether to go ahead and be a friend with a guy. Unthinkable are decisions about a career path or what degree to try for."

I still struggle with those very decisions EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. and I have been out of the cult for four years.




Brenda said...


Two things that I have had to deal with in addition to what you mentioned: #1- I don't have to pray about every decision....meaning, which candy bar should I buy? Neither, it's sin...to a "good" parking place or which outfit to wear? Because decision making was so impossible for me, I found myself praying about every little detail, not getting answers and wondering what the heck was wrong with me.

#2- I still avoid Christian music. Every once in a blue moon I can listen to something, mostly not though...too many triggers.




Anonymous said...


When someone loses someone they love (though death or any other devastating means) they need to grieve and that takes as long as it takes. My friend lost her husband to brain cancer at a young age and she had to grieve, not only for him, but for the life they had planned together. It just vanished. While he was sick, she could only pray he would recover, but after he died she had to deal with her guilt (could she have helped him more), her anger (why did he leave her), etc. It was very unhelpful for people to start telling her she needed to just move on and start dating again.




Anonymous said...


Some of these women will embrace a more compassionate and less rule ridden Christianity while others (like myself) will leave it entirely.




Sandra said...


In many ways, leaving fundamentalism is less like moving away from home and more like moving away from your whole country. Into a whole new world, culture, history, language, mannerisms... and never even being able to call home.




denelian said...


modeling *good* relationships. i don't just mean marriage - i mean with siblings, parents, friends, co-workers. the people who escape P/QF DON'T KNOW how to have normal relationships [in my experience] - everything but EVERYTHING seems to be about heirarchy, where you fit in it, and your placement is what models your relationships.

so i think it's REALLY important to model *good* relationships for them - both the girls AND the guys who escape.




simplymerry said...


Don't be surprised if they have misplaced priorities and untrue truisms. Gently point them out to them when appropriate. What seems obvious and simple to you may be earth-shattering or amazing to them.

Just a recent incident with my husband pointed out yet another of these in me. I was more ashamed of not doing my "duty" than of not communicating with my husband. Communication should trump duty... but I grew up with the reverse.




Deb Paul said...


I am definitely in this zone of healing right now where I am repugnated by simplistic, "Christian" thoughts and the use of bible verses to explain my heart and everything else. I spent my whole life quoting scripture and I need a break. It's just where I am at and many cannot understand this process and wish for me to "move on" with out dealing in the way I need to.




Connie said...


When someone first leaves, they go through a crisis stage. This involves sitting around and drooling-- a bunch. Or maybe yelling. Personally, I'm a drooler. For the first three months or so, someone had to walk me like one of the pups just to keep the circulation going...

The trauma it takes to disconnect and actually get *out* is akin to going through one of those tornadoes we keep having and the aftermath is just as devastating. The soul is battered-- and that's on top of the wounds taken on a daily basis going back years sometimes.

You've got to get through crisis before any sort of normal can start. Delaying crisis means you get to do it all over, in the future, when you probably can't remember why you're having a crisis in the first place.

Let me just say-- those who've been through the crisis phase themselves usually recognize it right off. And you don't necessarily have to have left a fundie/cult group. Just about any traumatic hurricane on the scale of-- oh, say-- Hurricane Katrina-- will do just dandy :)




shadowspring said...


If I added anything it would to give a 90 day grace period- expect nothing and accept nothing for the first 90 days. No rent, no help with groceries, no chores. Give them time to grieve.

Anyone thinking of leaving, get your social security card, birth certificate and passport/license OR a color copy OR at least write down the important numbers, date issued, place of birth etc.

Education: if your parents didn't home school legally or issue you a valid diploma, you might need a GED. Check with your local community college about getting one. It helps to get that taken care of before you look for work.

And as for host families/roomies, you might want to watch Tangled for a good idea of the emotional ups and downs a recently escaped person will be experiencing all at the same time. It's so accurate in my experience.




e said...


Anyone who has spent a good bit of time within the P/QF movement will leave broken and battered.

Yes, many men will gravitate toward a more domineering or controlling (even abusive) husband and father. But this is quite natural. They are merely modeling the God they have been taught. This is a devastating consequence of legalism that affects men, women, and children alike. God is not who they know him to be. And until that is fixed, nothing else matters.




Incongruous Circumspection (concerning what men need to discover upon leaving P/QF legalism) said...


Unconditional love for my children while walking away from the stupid asinine crap about breaking their will. Basically, I need to learn to love my kids for who they are - kids!




e (also concerning men's issues) said...


I am still finding areas within my own life that need healing, like when I find myself relating to my kids in ways I related to God for so many years.




Incongruous Circumspection (concerning men's issues) said...


...while my wife and I didn't get married purposing to live that crap, I tried to live the "principled" life and failed, realizing that it didn't work. But, the baggage I took from that lifestyle is still with me today. I am trying to scrape away the crap with a sharper knife by the day. The problem is, there are tools out there that are helpful and yet I was always taught they were evil. My gut reaction is that I therefore need to reinvent the wheel for myself, but it doesn't need to be so.

I just need to be willing to read, discuss, think, and study what used to be opposing viewpoints and then act on them. It is so easy to slip back into what I was used to but the consequences are enough to kick me in the arse and keep me running from that life.To say "practice on my wife and kids" sounds fine, but it actually can hurt them. I need to kill the "evil one" in myself (ironically, the evil one, in this case, is the same as the "good one" I was always taught to emulate).

My wife and kids need to practice on ME! I am constantly learning to be an open and fertile bed for their seeds of love. A P/QF's gut reaction to correction or criticism from those that are expected to be subservient to him is to lash out, reject it out of hand, and stand on his god-hood. Oddly, this is still my gut reaction, at times. But, the times it actually escapes the confines of my stupid brain is so infrequent today, that it is almost non-existent.

I continue to learn and grow on this journey. In my opinion, the key is to be open to everyone's criticism EXCEPT those who desire to pull you back into P/QF. And, unfortunately, their tentacles are, many times, simply imagined. Yes, the guilt and control of the P/QF movement is very irritating and sometimes debilitating. 

Revenwyn said...

Some of these women also need basic life skills help too; like getting money for food and housing and learning how to drive.

As one who became homeless in order to leave, I know I could have used some money and someone to teach me how to drive. 




And my comment which I'll include was...


Although most of you who read here understand the depth of the issue, many don't, and from an uneducated position, viewing only the surface of the issue, this may strike them as just a family squabble.

People must become aware of the sociopathy and narcissism that this belief system breeds and demands - and be aware of what it causes - to fully understand the depth of the issue.

I can't emphasize that enough.

I don't say this to diminish the experience of a loved one passing away (I've lost loved ones myself)...but for these girls, their experience is far worse than the passing of a loved one.

Imagine if EVERY person of substance in your family and family circle passed away in an instant - that's the level of loss these women have experienced. Then, ADD TO that loss that these people haven't actually died, but are still walking around somewhere, rejecting them thoroughly (as if these women don't deserve to be loved or to exist), and in some cases, actively recruiting others to both die to and reject them.

While it isn't this extreme in all cases, in most it is.

Loss PLUS rejection.

http://thecommandmentsofmen.blogspot.com/